I was born in Belfast in 1974 but because of 'the troubles' my family - it was a pleasant middle-class family - moved to Bangor, Co. Down, when I was around nine years old. I was sent to Sunday school at Ballyholme Church of Ireland and I was confirmed there at around eleven years of age. Shortly after this, one day I became curious about the Bible and I remember reading it all day in my bedroom and most definitely knowing for a FACT that it was truth, so much so, that I was on my knees and crying with tears streaming down my face. I couldn't understand why I was crying. I think I know now that it was because I realised how much God loves us. I really don't know why or how, after understanding and accepting this truth, I came a few years later to enter into a rebellious phase.

I suppose like a lot of teenagers I came across occult things quite innocently, for example through reading astrology in magazines etc., but I began to want to know more and so moved onto dabbling with wicca and then spells (I find it very worrying today that there is a lot of this in the media paraded as 'harmless fun' and targeted at young girls). I toyed around with the occult, thinking it harmless, but before long I was obsessed with it and I was also starting to rebel in all areas of my life; and so I began to have a desire to want to explore and live in the world, and taste and experience all it offered.

Up until this point I had been a keen piano player since the age of six. I was a decent athlete and got pretty good grades at school, but in my last two years at school I stopped the music and the sports and began to associate with the 'rebellious girls' at school and was getting sucked into the world of drinking, drugs, boys and parties.

From the age of 18 onwards and all through my twenties, drugs progressively became central in my life, again starting off 'innocently' with smoking and drinking, then on to smoking hash, then on to speed, ecstasy, acid, mushrooms - everything really except heroin. I thank the Lord I was spared from that particular one, as I don't think I would be alive today. A lot of 'friends' around me were dying from heroin overdoses, and it had become a real underground problem in this small sleepy seaside 'innocent' town. I remember a number of occasions as a teenager when, drunk in the street at night, I talked about the gospel to Christian evangelists who were giving out tea and biscuits to homeless people. Again, I remember knowing they were right, crying and wanting to go with them, but one of my friends always physically got hold of me and dragged me away, telling me not to listen to "those freaks" - this happened on at least three occasions.

I was discovering that this 'innocent Victorian seaside town' had a very nasty ugly underbelly to it.

I left Northern Ireland to study at Leeds University, and lived and in the UK until I was 25. Then I went abroad for my big six-month travel adventure, which was more travelling and drugs, getting further and further away from The Lord. He however was faithful to not ever let me go; now when I look back I realise that all the visions I had whilst 'high', of Jesus and the Scriptures that went round and round in my head were really He trying to reach me, even in my sin-drenched, drug-fuelled mind and spirit. I thought that I was having a 'bad trip' because that was what everyone was telling me when I tried to understand and discuss these experiences afterwards with them. Now I know that those scriptures and images were God talking to me, telling me I was in Satan's domain, but that there was a way out if I wanted it.

It wasn't until I was 29, when I was offered a job abroad in Istanbul in fashion, that, as an ex-pat earning some great money, that Satan really got a grip on my life. In that seductive city I had a two-year relationship with a Turkish guy who totally broke my heart. He liked to drink and take a lot of drugs, and I got sucked back AGAIN into that whole world, and this time it seemed harder to escape. After a year together I discovered I was pregnant and he ordered me to get an abortion. I didn't want to, but to please him (because I'd made him my idol and was so 'in love' with him), I did. I was devastated afterwards. I didn't realise the impact that this would have on me spiritually or emotionally.

All he was concerned about was that I was OK physically. I pretended I was OK, to myself and to everyone else, but inside I was going into self-destruct mode. I was falling apart. I hated myself for what I had done and I felt worthless. I lost my job - a lot of money, I lost him, I began to be completely addicted to drink and drugs, and I was involved in the occult again. I was literally walking with Satan. I couldn't sleep. I was terrified, I had no peace, I was demented ... I tried to run off to Thailand to escape my own mind - again more drugs, more visions of God speaking to me even more strongly this time.

After this trip I realised I had to leave Istanbul, this man and this city that had a strange dark hold over me, so I took a new great job in London. When I got there I couldn't cope with the job pressure or with London, so after seven months I decided to pack it all in and go to New York - I was going to take three months off work to do an electronic music production course, as music was still bubbling away deep down and my first passion.

So I thought Id take a long Christmas at home with my family and then go on to New York. Whilst at home I started a brief relationship with a guy I had known for about six years through a friend. Around this time my father invited me to Bangor Elim Church. I didn't want to go, as I thought, "Oh no, the Christians have brainwashed him now - great!" But once there I felt the amazing presence of the Holy Spirit. Every time I went I cried; I wanted it, I wanted to put my hand up when the pastor did the altar call. One night when sharing a pint with my boyfriend (I was still battling this addiction) and listening to some music I tried to tell him that "I thought I wanted to become a Christian." He laughed, didn't understand me at all and told me not to be so stupid.

I finally left for New York in February 2008 after ending the relationship - I realised I didn't really even like this guy - he was starting to become very possessive. I now can see I was emotionally very wounded, with low self-esteem, which was why I was involved in bad relationships with the opposite sex. On the plane to New York I remember saying some kind of short prayer - something along the lines of, "OK Jesus, if you are real, I really think I need you." I thought no more of it really, until two weeks later, when I found out I was pregnant. I was alone in New York, single, pregnant to a guy I had just dumped because I'd realised I couldn't stand him, and I just thought, "WHAT HAVE I DONE? How could I have fallen so far? How could I make such a mess of my life when I had so much going for me?" I was terrified, I didn't want a child, I didn't want another abortion, I just didn't want it. I was supposed to be going back to Istanbul for a new job, and this just didn't fit into my life plan. God has His perfect plan though for our lives, which He can even accomplish though our 'mistakes'.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." He is not far from each one of us.

This huge mistake humbled me, I needed Jesus so much. I got down on my knees and I cried out to him and I cried and cried and said I was so sorry for the mess I had been making of my life and all the sinful things I'd done. I realised the deep deep error of how I had been living. I realised I was in this mess by living outside of God's laws. I didn't have a Bible but I had my laptop. Daily I googled scriptures that comforted and strengthened me. God spoke to me daily through my laptop! It was just the four walls and me and my laptop and God!
I went on a mission to find the Elim Church in Brooklyn. I went there, six weeks pregnant, alone, scared and confused, and those amazing saints prayed for me, to be set free from all the evil that had been in my life. They prayed for me to stand up and be a holy woman of God. I cried and cried there that day, but I felt something happen inside, I felt free, I felt light, I felt peace, I felt the presence of heaven, of a throne and of angels. I heard saints speak in tongues for the first time - it was strange yet beautiful. I felt the power in their praise and their faith. I was shocked by its strength, how real it was, how real Jesus was to them - I wanted this. I returned to my small tiny studio flat that night and felt so different, so light in my soul, and even in my body, and so free.

In John 8 v.36 Jesus makes the claim, "If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed." Jesus had set me free from things I probably didn't even realise I was enslaved to, imprisoned as I was, and burdened down by the baggage I had been carrying around for years.

I was still confused about this new pregnancy. How could I have a baby, unmarried, alone in Istanbul?! Then began the battle for my unborn child. There was a battle for that child. It was unrelenting; Satan wanted it dead.

I was TORTURED DAILY minute by minute with conflicting thoughts - keep it, kill it, keep it, kill it. On and on this went in my head for about three weeks until I couldn't take it any more. I made an appointment for a termination, but I was in turmoil. In the end, one day I went into a church that was beside my music school. I couldn't concentrate on the music course - it had practically gone out the window. I was obsessing about more important things, like life and death. I don't know why, but there was something about the picture on the front of the church that drew me in; there was something about that church that was drawing me in - it seemed like a strange Catholic church. When in there I prayed, "God what is it, what do You want me to do, what is it, what is it?"

When I got home I decided to google that church and the picture of the woman on the front of it. What is this strange church anyway? I discovered that picture was of 'Our Lady of Guadeloupe' whoever she was ... and Google took me straight to the home page of Pro Life Group of America. I read how this woman had been ordained by the Pope as a saint to be the Patron Saint of UNBORN CHILDREN. When I read that I nearly fell off the sofa and I knew I simply couldn't consider abortion , how wrong it was. The Holy Spirit literally there and then spoke right into my heart like a knife. I felt sick for the one I had already had and I knew it would be easier actually to have a baby alone than to endure another abortion. I was scared and didn't know how I could have a baby unmarried and alone, but I think in that time God strengthened me in ways I will never know.

"He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increase strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40 v. 29-31)

And suddenly I had a real sense of peace about it. I told my parents and they were shocked, but greatly supportive. They promised we would discuss it when they came out to New York for a holiday. I have repented of my previous abortion and I know Jesus has covered my sin with His blood. It took a long time to accept that, but it is the Word of God so I must accept it, even if sometimes I feel differently. I still struggle to understand how great is the Lord's Mercy on us - when he forgives us he separates our sins from us as far as the east is from the west..

Psalm 103 v.8-14:

"The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbour his anger forever.
He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."

When I got home to Northern Ireland I decided to scrap my plan to go back to Istanbul, and discovered at five months into my pregnancy that I was having a girl. I was very shocked. I had been convinced it was a boy, had it all planned with the names and everything :) I didn't have a name picked for a girl and was actually very upset about it. I offered a prayer up to God - "God, I didn't even want to be pregnant but you have blessed me with this child when I don't deserve it at all. I offer her up to you. Please tell me what to call her." The NEXT DAY a friend of the family visited and I asked her if she knew any good names and she suggested 'Janna'. When I googled it I was shocked to read that it's a Hebrew name and means "The Lord is Gracious" ... and HE IS!! When I was living a rebellious life of sin , he saved me and blessed me with a child. Amazing Grace he poured out onto me. He never stopped seeking me. He is faithful and never gave up on me - I can see it all now, looking back on the events of my life. I now have a beautiful five-month old daughter who is the best thing I have ever done with my life, who brings so much joy into my life and that of my family.

I have learnt to trust in God alone and I now attend my local Elim church - last November (2008) I was baptised. I'm learning to depend on and love the Lord more every day. Looking back now I know He had a plan for me last year. None of the last year was coincidental; He has a plan for me now, He has a plan for Janna and He has a plan for you. I don't expect life to be easy now that I'm saved, but I know now that whatever I face I have Jesus with me, Immanuel, God with Us. I know I'm walking on the right path now, because every single day I wake up I have a peace in my heart that was never there before. I now know and experience real true love! It satisfies like no drug or relationship can. No more needing to run all over the world seeking this or that job, relationship or thing.. All I need or could ever want is in our Saviour Jesus.

Praise his precious name.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11v.28)

Rest in the Lord, depend on and look to Him alone.